Writer's Weekend: Scars

There was a scar just above his right eye. Faded with age and partly concealed by coarse black brows, it was like a secret left to be uncovered. But once you saw it you couldn't un-see it. It was the tiny hint of imperfection that all of humanity shared. A trace of the vulnerabilities all of us experience - anxiety, fear, self-consciousness, grief, heartache: the feelings that make us real and alive. It was a mark of a past life, exposed, and whenever I kissed it he sighed softly as if he was opening his soul to me in one deep exalting breath.

Hands tangled in hair; skin growing hot; lips inhaling each other. To kiss, kiss, kiss came as naturally as breathing. And when I lay by his side under the faux fur blanket on his living room floor - enveloped by candlelight, nightfall and the warmth of his embrace - I touched the scar above his right eye with my thumb, and the birth mark on his hip, and the raised bump of a mole on his back.

Perfect imperfection.

My love.

One day he said it. It came as a whisper on the wind, so soft at first that I thought I'd misheard.

'You what?'

'Didn't you hear me?'

'I wasn't listening.'

'I love you.'

'Oh.'

'Yeah.'

'Well, I love you too.'

'Cool.'

A pause. Then: 'You want to go and grab some dessert someplace?'

'Of course-'

We went out and got ice cream with flakes and sprinkles and chocolate sauce. We sat and ate, and all the while I couldn't stop staring at that pink little line at the base of his right eyebrow, and the shape and fullness of his lips, and the laughter in his eyes. Perfectly imperfect. Loved forever. Scars and all.

My love.

 

Cat Calls and Wolf Whistles

This post is a little more serious than usual. So little disclaimer ** I admit that I am a very opinionated person. Part of why I have this blog is to be able to share my views on issues that provoke a strong reaction in me and that I feel are important. All these opinions are my own based on my experiences and knowledge and in no way are meant to offend anyone. I don't mean to generalise and speak for all girls and about all boys. I am not expecting everyone reading this to agree with me, but please respect that these are my personal views just as I would respect anyone else's **

 

 

When I was a little younger, I heard stories from older girls about being the subject of unwanted male attention. I saw it all the time in the media as well. But I always kind of thought in the back of my mind "nah, that wouldn't really happen to me."

 

Now I'm older and wiser and I have enough experience to know that was an incorrect assumption to make. I've been whistled at, spoken to by random men in the street and on the tube and been given suggestive looks. This is blatant objectification. And each time it surprises me. Sometimes it even makes me angry or scared.

 

As a young woman, I am old enough to go everywhere by myself without adult supervision and without needing any guy to protect me. But I also deserve to feel safe when I do this, which is why it saddens me that we still seem to be living in a society where men think it is OK to approach women like this.

 

 

What sparked me to write about this today was something that happened yesterday morning: I was walking to school when my friend ran into me at a corner. She was flustered and said to me she was glad she'd found someone to walk with because a van had been circling around her whilst she was on her own. Then when we were walking together this same van drove past us and stopped in the street a few metres ahead. A guy who must have been 20 something stuck his head out of the window and was calling to my friend. All I could understand was "beautiful girl" but my friend didn't even look at him. Cars started beeping and she just wanted to get away so I linked arms with her and we walked.

This guy had stalked her round a block and then stopped traffic to try and get her attention. She was not responsive the first time but he still persisted. How is that OK?

 

My second instinctive reaction was actually to laugh. And she was like "why are you laughing Ellie, it's not funny" but it wasn't a laugh out of humour, it was a laugh out of disbelief. Yes, this particular friend is stunning, but she wasn't wearing a short skirt, her boobs were not out and this wasn't late at night without anyone else around, so even those lame excuses for this inappropriate behaviour cannot be used here.

 

So I can now only assume that incidents like these are more frequent than probably a lot of people, including myself, realise. Women are still targeted in a sexual way. My friend could raise this incident with the police because of the nature of it. Who knows how many vulnerable girls get stopped by vans and don't deal with it as well as she did? I also cannot help but wonder if this guy (and so many others) would have been so brave if my friend had been walking with a 6ft boy at her side. That is a toxic combination of objectification and sexism right there.

 

Am I explaining myself clearly? Maybe it's better if I break it down like this:

 

There is a difference between love and lust, flirting and stalking, attraction and disinterest, mutual friends and strangers in the street. And there are no blurred lines.

 The simple fact of it is, if a girl is made to feel uncomfortable by a guy's unwanted advances (this could be verbal, physical, emotional whatever) then this is not OK. And I can't speak personally for if the genders were reversed or in LGBT situations but it may also apply here.

And yes, it will depend on the individual people and the environment as to whether a pick up line is seen as cute or creepy. But i think anyone would agree that a cute guy at a party is different from a stranger in the street. What men think they will realistically achieve from cat calls and wolf whistles, I do not know.

 

The bottom line is that to assume is to risk misjudging the situation.

 

So boys, if you see a random girl that you like the look of in the street, do her a favour and - to paraphrase Dory - **just keep walking**

5 Ways to be Happier

Now I'm not claiming to be an expert on stuff like this, but I'm hoping that by writing this post I can maybe inspire someone to rethink even one aspect of their life the way I have been rethinking mine over the past few weeks.

So here it is, folks:

Ellie's Ways to be Happier....ta daaa

1. Stop giving a damn about what other people think about you. I don't know how else to put this. I think that everyone has insecurities in one way or another. I used to care A LOT more about what other people thought of me. But it wasn't in a self-conscious kind of way; it was more a not wanting to let other people in because I was very self-protective. And, whilst it did have some benefits, in hindsight (ahh hindsight, a wonderful thing) being so guarded probably cost me a few opportunities to make some really good friends at the time when everyone else was also finding their feet (more on this in point no. 2!). But Year 12 offered me a fresh start. And with some new-found confidence and self-assurance, I have stopped caring so much. And I feel happier for it. I learnt that people are always going to have opinions on things, but hardly any of those opinions are about me. Some people, believe it or not, actually admire a person who is brave enough to express their individuality. So go for it!

2. Make new friends. This is something that does not come naturally to me at all as I already kinda said in point no.1. But it is something that I have had to do a lot more recently. My two best friends who I always relied on in high school left to go to different colleges this year and initially I was like an internal mess of tears and dread about being all on my own with no one to talk to. But then I began to view it as a challenge. I set myself little personal goals and mental notes about taking steps towards meeting new people. One day I would decide "I'm gonna sit at that table and talk to these people I haven't spoken to in 5 years" and find that I really liked this newly different person. Everyone needs a solid bank of friends they get along with and know are cool enough to have your back. My bank used to be quite small. It still is quite small, but its growing. So I would say, if you're shy or a little introverted like me, set yourself a challenge like I did of maybe talking to one new person everyday. Even if its just a few words, your life will be enriched by interesting people and you might find an awesome new level of happiness because of it!

3. That being said, still allow your old friends to love you. This is VERY important. I feel like the absolute worst thing people can do is shut out the people who care about them most. Don't allow your old friend group to drift from you. They're the ones that have been with you from the beginning -  through the laughs and the tears and the fall outs. Your best friends get you on another level to the rest. Me and my wifeys, as I call them, make conscious efforts to message each other often and we try to meet at least once a week, even if it is for a little coffee date (Costa is literally like our second home by now).
I guess this bit mostly applies to people who don't see their best friends every day, but I honestly believe that having some time apart can be good for a friendship group because when you all come back together again it feels like nothing has changed and you can reminisce on the good ol' days as well as finding out what's new with them in the present tense. Let your friends love you for all your quirkiness. You'll be happier for it.

4. Focus on family. This point is kinda like no.3 in that your family have been with you from day one and will be with you until you die. You love them unconditionally, but at the same time, in a household where everyone is busy doing different things, family bonding time can get left at the sidelines. So, just as with your friend group, I would recommend designating some time every now and again to do something with your family. Play a board game or go to an exhibit, eat a meal or watch a film together. Anything that involves everyone. You'll (me) realise that your annoying little brother isn't actually that bad after all! ;)

5. Last but not least, take a time out. This is your "me time". I think even the most sociable people in the world can't go on living without a little break from the rest of the world to have some time to themselves. This is some time to do something self-indulgent that really makes you happy. It could be a structured activity like a dance class or something more relaxed like baking, reading a book, colouring (who can resist those colouring for mindfulness books at the moment, especially when they are Sherlock-themed hehe) or even taking a bath (LUSH!!). This is your time to breathe. To have your space. To recover. To stay in control of your life and to be happier.

Well that's it from me for now. I hope you found this post useful or at least something to think about. If you have any further tips for how to be happier, leave me a comment below!

Writer's Weekend: This Mouth of Mine

Fingers. Old chipped nails at the tips, painted red like the dried blood of scabs. A button nose shaped with the timelessness of relentless detail. Eyes as searing blue as the hottest of flames, framed by perfectly picked little eyelashes. The touch of her soft brown hairs - each one carefully sewn into the solid scalp - felt as real as if they were still on the head of the little Indian girl they came from.

She perches on my lap, this mouth of mine, smiling out into the crowds as they sit and wait expectantly.

"You look nice today"
"She's just being polite"

The raucous laughter of a thousand voices ricochets off the walls and reverberates through my soul. Are they laughing at me or with me? Around me or about me? All it would take to find out is to ask.
This mouth of mine would love that.

"For the last time, that dress does not make you look fat"
"She has definitely gained weight but she still looks good. If it bugs her so much she should do something about it."

The cracked lips shrivelled over time with the utterance of so many foul words. Words that bring misery and hatred. The red lipstick adds to the role of the clown - the puppeteer's paradise. Not a speck gets stuck on the dull white teeth. Her exterior is too pristine for her own good.

"Oh my God, you love that band too? I thought I was the only one"
"She fancies you a stupid amount. She'll do anything to get you to notice her. Even lie."

Behind beauty there is ugliness. Ugliness is beautiful.
This mouth of mine has said too much. Now the crowd sit in shocked silence. Their heads swivel this way and that, bouncing like bobble-heads under the flick of a giant thumb. They are waiting for the secret to be revealed.

"I can't come out tonight, I'm not feeling too good. Sorry"
"She means that she has her period and her stomach is cramping like a bitch and what she is actually going to do is watch Netflix and drink hot chocolate all evening because you're not good enough for her to make that kind of effort"

The secret lies in the folds of floral cotton fabric at her spine. A hand slips out from between two roses. My hand. She is hollow on the inside. My hand, my chest, my throat, my mouth, my lips, my teeth, my tongue. My words.

This mouth of mine has no secrets; she tells only truth.
And, sometimes, the truth hurts.

Just Floating

I'm at this stage in my life where I feel like I'm in a transition. An unwanted transition from child to adult.

Ok, let me backtrack for a second.

I'm Ellie.
Hello.
Welcome to my blog.
Since this is my first post on this blog - and since I haven't blogged anywhere in a few years - I decided it would be good to give this blog a bit of perspective in this first post. So here's a little insight into my life right now and my current mental state: mostly exams, revision, responsibility panic panic PANIC.

So like I was saying, I'm 17. 17 is that awkward age caught between the two milestones of 16 and 18. I feel like I am on the cusp of full adulthood (I have my provisional drivers' licence, I will be off to uni in just over a year, I'll be able to vote and go clubbing and do all those things adults do soon). I've also been given a shit tonne more responsibility since leaving high school. One of the hardest things to get to grips with: time management. Time suddenly goes a lot more quickly when you actually have things to fill it with funnily enough.

But lurking in with the things to look forward to about being a recognised adult under the law is a sense of sadness that childhood is essentially over. And too soon may I just say. I don't know about everyone else but amidst all the schoolwork and work-work I've got going on, I find it so hard to scrape together enough time to do the little things that I properly used to enjoy. I used to spend whole days reading or drawing or writing cute little stories. I like to hope that the creative streak within me isn't lost. But it has certainly been neglected pretty much since GCSE. And I feel bad about that (part of the reason for setting up this blog on a spontaneous whim to be honest).

As I already touched on, university is also on the horizon. And don't get me wrong, I am excited about it. I think it will honestly be so good for me (people have a habit of getting too comfortable in one stage of their life). But its also a little scary. Unknown territory.

I guess the bit that saddens me the most is feeling like I haven't had time to stop and live in the moment. I've gone from GCSE straight into A Levels, and those have barely started before I'm off ordering prospectuses and visiting the different uni colleges. There is no rest period; I am "just floating" as a teacher in my sixth form once said to me.

 It might just be the friends I hang out with, but I feel like our conversations at this age often take on a nostalgic note. People will launch into anecdotes about friendships from Year 8. I sit down in the canteen to hear my friends having heated debates about which Disney song is the best and how Mulan 2 definitely wasn't as good as the first one (but The Little Mermaid 2 was alright). Only today in my English class there was an animated discussion about our favourite childhood TV shows. These kinds of things come up more often than you might think. And I suppose you'd have to say this is because I'm not alone in feeling like I'm transitioning. We all want to hold onto those little bits of childhood that filled us with nothing but a pure kind of unadulterated happiness.

But for now we're just floating.

Well I guess that's it from me for now. This post may seem to ramble; I literally just wrote what I was thinking. I have a habit of doing that - what I would call a "funny five minutes" of random thought process. There will probably be a lot more where that came from on this blog. So happy reading! :D